Face the Truth: Facial Hair Is Cool

Odds are you’ve noticed a trend lately…beards and facial hair are back and bigger than ever. But why? Modern technology has given us razors with umpteen blades and batteries to vibrate your stubble into the perfect trimmed position. The internet has granted us Dollar Shave Club among others making shaving more economical than ever. Yet beards are more popular than ever.

Here’s a rundown of some of the official beard and facial hair styles and who wears it best.

BEARD: This blanket term for most facial hair is worn best in the “full” style. Think Rutherford B. Hayes.

CHIN CURTAIN: Get in your horse and buggy, this mustache-less style is popular style among the Amish. Abraham Lincoln‘s was impressive.

ambrose
He won the war because of that beard.

MUTTONCHOPS: Sideburns grown freely to the corners of the mouth and connected by a mustache. Motörhead’s Lemmy rocked the best muttonchops since Civil War general Ambrose Burnside.

FU MANCHU: Named for fictional evildoer Dr. Fu Manchu, this slender mustache features just two long tendrils which hang past the jawline.

GOATEE: Also known as the Van Dyke or Circle Beard, the goatee’s facial hair reign should have ended somewhere in the 90’s. Brad Pitt and Leo DiCaprio have nice ones, but I’m partial to The Dude’s.

NECK BEARD: Let’s just say this, the neck beard is not cool. It just isn’t. It looks like a middle schooler trying to grow facial hair, but failing. Indianapolis QB Andrew Luck is the best example of the worst beard.

Apolo Ohno Soul Patch. Never forget.
Apolo Ohno Soul Patch. Never forget.

SOUL PATCH: AKA The Flavor Saver. This tiny patch of fur just below the lip was common among the 60’s beatniks. Comedian Howie Mandel’s looks pretty decent.

TOOTHBRUSH: You might look rather funny with just a toothbrush mustache, but it worked pretty well for Charlie Chaplin. Hitler sporting one kinda ruined the toothbrush style.

HANDLEBAR: Usually styled with gel or wax. Archduke Franz Ferdinand‘s was nice, but growing up I envied Baseball Hall of Fame reliever Rollie Finger’s.

WALRUS MUSTACHE: Bushy and drooping over the mouth like it’s namesake animal’s, the walrus mustache makes eating most foods a challenge.
What’s your favorite facial hair style?

If you like this, you might also like Birthday Party 2: “Today We Celebrate Our Independence Day!”